Not my voice, but my silence.
“I like to wait while his mouth kisses my neck, moving down to where my neckline goes deep, and my breasts hurt swollen a little, waiting for his hands to begin, and my hair is falling loose over my bare shoulders, and my mouth is soft and wet and wanting under his.”
— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals
Marilyn Monroe - New York City, NY - 1954
Some days your mind tends to wander back to significant moments of your life you wish not to remember. It’s not that you regret, it’s not that it was bad, it’s not that you miss it. It’s just a time in your life you know that is gone and will never come back. You closed the book to that chapter; there’s no continuation to that ending. You let go of the happiness, the pain, the anger, the fear, the people who were part of it all. You forget the way they looked into your eyes with so much softness that made you feel warmth inside. You forget how the simplest things they said that made you feel most worthy, that you were iridescent. You forget the times you lied on the roads at odd hours of the night staring at the dark skies. None of that matters anymore because nothing gold ever stays. You are now just the crumbs on the bed used as a table. You are going to be swept away and be rendered invisible. You are going to feel ashamed. You are going to want an answer to why it was so simple for people to do that, you are going to ask yourself why it was so easy for you to let them do that to you. Mostly, you wonder why it had to be you.
You start to want it all back just so you could have the good. But wait, what was the good? Well yeah there was that momentary time of paradise but when that left, how did it leave you? You felt hopeless. Now, that’s not good.
Fortunately, it ends. You find an escape. You learn that patience is a wonderful thing. Time is powerful. After spending countless hours, days, weeks in solitude, reading your favourite books and drinking wine, you find contentment and you appreciate the meaningful loneliness and see that the world isn’t that bad. When you see the worst things in life, you don’t feel like you’ve lost hope. Instead, you work on making yourself a better person. You want people to find hope in you. You carry yourself in a better way now, you are a thriving individual, delicate yet robust. You found composure. You are no longer that train wreck of a person who was filled with self-pity and poignance. You realize amazing things are ahead of you and you really, have nothing to worry about. You are going to have good days and you are going to have bad ones too. Days end and morning will come, you will do what’s right. You have nothing to be afraid of.. not anymore. Happy is the heart that still feels pain. You come to understand others and be gentle. You are kind. You indulge in other’s happiness for your own because you find that genuine happiness is seeing others in gaiety. Putting a smile on someone’s face never seemed so worthwhile until now. You are now that swallow leading the lost sailor to shore. All you need to be is a little patient, fine, balanced and kind. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.